If you’re considering moving overseas for a relationship, you might be wondering is this a good idea? Read this expert expat advice on if you should move overseas for a relationship and if you’ll be happy when moving to a new country for love.
Doing your research is quite important when considering moving to a new country with a Significant Other. These are the questions I thought most about prior to moving and the ones that were most important in my decision to come along.
A little about me: I moved to Amsterdam from the United States over two years ago. (We are moving to France!) My boyfriend (now husband) had received a job offer here and he asked me if I would be willing to come with him if he took the job.
I had a hard decision: to abandon my solid job prospects in the US and enter a new country filled with uncertainty (including unemployment) with my cat in tow. It wasn’t easy, but I chose to come with him.
Update (two years later): Moving abroad has been one of my happiest decisions. My husband and I have grown closer, my career has blossomed, and I was able to find a fantastic job in the Netherlands. Moving abroad has strengthened my relationship as well as my own confidence in my abilities.
Some context: Before this major decision ,we had both been graduate students and I had dreams (often while watching House Hunters) of living abroad once I had a solid career (…give or take 20 years). I had just began my post-graduate job search while finishing out graduate school and I had major questions to answer: what type of career was I suited to and what city (within the US) to move to?
I had some great job prospects/interviews, but I was open to what the future might hold as I intended to move from the East Coast to Midwest/West. A lot of friends were surprised when I was willing to take the jump for my boyfriend. I’ve always been independent and I knew that I had little to lose due to my post-grad status (beyond my modest savings).
I didn’t want to lose out on a fantastic relationship (and a great experience!) due to distance. Most importantly, I asked myself some very difficult questions and did my research.
Things to consider when moving abroad for love….
This is obviously a difficult decision, however you should know upfront whether this relationship is stable enough to warrant moving with them and if they’re fully committed to you.
Contents
Starter questions to consider for moving abroad for love
- Is moving to a new country for love worth it for this relationship?
- Do you love this person? (This is the easy part!)
- What would happen if you didn’t move with SO?
- How much do you trust your SO?
- Do you intend to stay with your SO long-term? Have they indicated their intention to be with you long-term?
- Is your SO willing to help you through difficult times emotionally and financially? Will they promise to do so and have they shown that they will do so?
- Will the country you’re considering recognize your relationship?
- Are you ready and willing to fully support 100% your SO during one of the biggest transitions of his/her personal AND professional life? (Reader suggested! It can be very stressful on your SO due the fact that their success often determines what happens next and it was their decision that brought you along.)
Vulnerability can make moving abroad tough. If you’re used to working in your home country and working in your new country is illegal/difficult, you may be unhappy with an income to support yourself. It’s good to think carefully about your level of independence as you are entering someone else’s life.
Are you legally allowed to stay in the country for an extended amount of time without a visa?
- If not by default, what is the visa process like and how long does it take?
- Is there a possibility that you can continue working at your current job/studies while abroad?Are you willing to quit your job if this is not possible?
- Can you just visit often while maintaining your current life?
- Do you have enough savings to support yourself for an extended period (6-12 months)?
- Is the city you’re considering living in large/small and is it close to any other cities? Are most of the jobs in this area focused on a single industry?
- What are the ideal aspects of a city that you want to live in and what aspects are a dealbreaker? Does this city (or nearby cities) have any of these aspects?
If it is not legal to join your SO in your new country, I strongly encourage you to reconsider if it’s worth going to this country as this can invite chaos.
Are you allowed to work legally? (Or do you plan on not working?)
- If so, can you get a job in your field with your qualification as is? If not, how easily can you find work with learning new skills/degrees to supplement your qualifications? Similarly, are you willing to take up a new profession/field if you cannot find work?
- What is the de facto language for business/government? Is it easy to learn and/or how long will it take to learn the language at a proficient level (B1-B2 level using the Common European Framework Reference for Languages)?
- Do you need this language for a job in your profession? At what level?
- Do you have enough savings to support yourself if not working/unemployed for a 1-6 month period?
If you cannot work, what will you do? Similarly, how will you support yourself? Working illegally can result in strict penalties in many countries.
- Do you find the country and its culture interesting?
- Do you know others in your country of choice? If not, do you often have difficulty making friends?
- Would it bother you if you were separated from your support network (possibly by a time difference)? Are you willing to accept that you might lose close friends?
- Are you close to your family? Would seeing them in person much less often (once a year) be okay with you? Are you willing to accept that they might be upset with you for leaving?
- What is the housing market? Can you afford it? If bringing a pet, are they allowed in most rentals?
- If your relationship fails, what will you do!? Do you have enough savings to head home?
There’s a lot of soul-searching that is required. It is good to be aware that reality, at first, is less ideal and more stressful than you realize. When you move abroad, you’re often isolated with zero to few friends, vulnerable, stressed, and very dependent on your significant other.It’s not a good combination and it’s good to know what you’re up against if you’re considering becoming an expat.
You can read more about how to get the best out of living abroad AND make friends here in my follow-up! Moving overseas is hard enough, but moving for love can be tough. I wish you the best in your relationship and in life! You can read about my wedding here.
|
|
|
Wow, I’m amazed on the amount of thinking you did before moving abroad. I was just like “let’s go” and my boyfriend said “ok then”. And that’s it. But we moved on the same continent (Poland – UK) and if we had moved to US we would probably have given the matter a lot more consideration.
Anyway, I hope moving to Amsterdam turned out to be a great experience and you enjoy living in Europe 🙂
I’m not sure if it’s clear from my posts, but I am a planner. Not being able to plan things drives me crazy and the uncertainty of moving across the ocean with my cat/no job lined up scared me, a lot. I should note I was about to go on the job market, but I knew that I could find a great job in the US, but I wasn’t sure about Amsterdam as it’s a competitive job market and not being fluent in Dutch can make it hard to find certain jobs that you can do at home. I am so glad that I came, however yes, it was a hard decision to say the least.
What a really detailed and informative blog post. I watch a TV programme in the UK called Wanted Down Under about immigrating to Australia and it always amazes me how these people never realise how far it is away from the UK for a start! Research is needed before you even start thinking on a basic level of moving to another country.
Thanks. It always amazes me how willingly some people jump to another country with minimal savings/plan/limited ability to work, but I could never do that. I feel like it’s harder with a partner compared to yourself as it often means that your relationship is on the line and although your partner might have a steady job set up, it leaves the non-recruited one in a hard position. I’ve met a lot of women here who have become housewives out of inability to find anything in their area, lack of qualifications, and not being able to understand Dutch. It’s definitely not easy.
Great article. Moving abroad for someone is a huge thing, and it’s a process my partner and I are just starting. I met him while traveling in New Zealand, and he’s now planning on returning with me to the UK. He hasn’t travelled, and I’m worried it will be a huge shock for him, but on the other hand it’s a really exciting prospect for both of us!
Good luck for your and your partners future together 🙂
Hi Gemma, thanks so much for reading. Yeah, it’s not an easy process to say the least although it’s quite exciting! Getting comfortable to a place (with all its quirks!) is always the hardest part, but hopefully he adjusts quickly. Best of luck to you two!
It’s good that you covered all the bases before you decided to take the plunge. For me I’m still learning how to handle different situations and various legalities all the time – and my partner is dutch!
I think you have to be the type of person that can adapt to new countries and cultures. If you are that sort of person you can have some brilliant experiences and create some fantastic memories.
Good luck with everything!
Thanks so much Sam! Yeah, figuring out the situations + legal things is often the trickiest part as those need to be 100% correct. It’s good that your partner is Dutch since mine is also American, so we often aren’t sure about how things work. (Even last night, we went to our first Dutch housewarming where we ended up bringing a gift, which is apparently not standard..)
Not everyone is comfortable with large scale changes where they might need to change their entire routine and be far from family, so I definitely agree about that.
Thanks so much for reading and I hope you’re enjoying living in the Netherlands!
Hey! Glad to hear things are working out! What did you end up doing for work? My company wants to move me abroad and my SO wants to come along but also will want to find work. Are there jobs that will sponsor a visa (even being a waiter or bartender)? Thanks
Hi Michael,
I definitely need to update this! I ended up finding an awesome job in my field after applying for a job ad that fit my skills 99% (although the ad itself was in Dutch). It really depends on the country and your skill-set as I found that I had a fairly easy time in the Netherlands with my Masters degree, however it really depends on the country/your background. Some jobs require a lot of language skills–and it’s up to you to decide if you’re able to learn quickly. Similarly, the ability to work varies a lot by country as some countries do not allow spouses to work–so it is good to check to see where your company is considering transferring you. If she has the right to work, it means that you have time to figure things out once you work your transfer/visa out. Hopefully your company will work out the hard visa stuff for you. 🙂
Best,
Karen
Thanks for the update and congrats on finding work. We’re specifically looking at the Netherlands as that’s where my company has a satellite office so if there’s anything specific you can share about NL, let me know. I speak Dutch and SO is learning. 😉
In that case, she will receive working status if you’re married. I found the job market very easy although if you have a more specialized skill-set it helps. I actually did not know Dutch when I moved to NL, however I found a job at a Dutch company that allowed me to learn. If your SO is learning, she should be good although most companies wanted A2-B1 (comprehension). If she can get there within a new months, she will be very strong for the market. There are some more “expat” areas, however I found indeed.nl good for professional jobs while bartending/waiting/other general jobs can be easily posted in the windows at various shops. Some chains in the Netherlands request both Dutch/English although I’m not sure they would be that strict if she had basic Dutch. I found finding an apartment difficult until I found a job due to the income amounts, however we found one once I had a contract. You might need to do temp housing for 1-2 months as a result depending on which city. Amsterdam is the most difficult.
I wish you two the best of luck and I hope it goes well. 🙂